


Recoil

by MaybeMagpies



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Essek Thelyss Needs a Hug, Essek Thelyss-centric, Essek made a nod to Widowbrave but that's his choice, Gen, M/M, Minor Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, Minor Fjord/Jester Lavorre, Shadowghast in the second chapter, Spoilers, spoilers for the Explorer's Guide to Wildmount
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-17
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28804707
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaybeMagpies/pseuds/MaybeMagpies
Summary: It was not surprising to feel the dunamis curl, beckoning, and hear the fabric of space pop back into place, save for a pile of unruly, weather-appropriate adventurers where there had been none before.It was surprising - horrifying - to start to smile only to hear Beau scream “Caleb!” and see white --and see Caleb --and see Caleb, wreathed in plasma too white for the snow, crumple to his knees and still on the deck.--The Nein decide to teleport the threshold crest to Essek. It backfires - leaving Essek with too much to avoid thinking about, and Caleb too much time to think. [Spoilers for episode 121]
Relationships: Essek Thelyss/Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Essek Thelyss
Comments: 5
Kudos: 106





	Recoil

It was perfectly like the Mighty Nein to not keep Essek up to date. 

Practically a given that they would not appear when expected - for what could remain within the realm of the expected with the Nein? 

The only constant he could comfort himself with knowing was that nothing was constant at all. 

(He’d deluded himself into the train of thought, recently, scrawling through decree after decree on  _ peace _ and  _ mutual prosperity _ and  _ shared _ power. They were never predictable, never something he could control - they could be flighty and stubborn, neither here nor there in turn.)

(A little safer to think that way. It made all the changes (Beau’s sneer, Jester’s pity, Veth’s volatility, Caleb’s -  _ Caleb,  _ gods,  _ Caleb  _ -) make sense (hurt less) if he pretended nothing had changed at all, that change was the only constant.)

Essek was, as a rule, not someone who enjoyed this sort of unpredictable behavior. It made his work - theoretical, managerial, traitorous in turn - very, very messy. For him and those around him, usually. Hence his initial interest in them, of course - guiding unruly loose ends away from where they might fray at his plan. 

(Really.  _ Really _ , now. The Nein forecasted their moves like children playing games of strategy the first time. The only variables at play were what nonsense they’d produce in the meantime (A  _ hot tub _ ? A  _ parasol _ ? A conspiracy bigger than his own?). And how he would get wrapped up in every inane detail. Blessed for the distraction.)

He was not ashamed to say he delighted in the insanity they brought to his day to day now. Wished for it in this monotony, feeling for the life of him like a vice, now.

Debate the phrasing of a statement on magical trade between the two continental powers (seeing DeRogna’s looping cursive on  _ his _ government's documents-). Rewording letters discussing prisoner exchanges (inkstains under his nails - if he argued too much he would reveal his _ hand  _ -). Draft plans for an expedition to man the Vurmas outpost, investigate what was murmured to be another fruitless lead (it must be  _ something _ , because Da’leth loped around the topic artfully when they last spoke - or was it another game?).

_ Will they be there?  _ He thought, folding and refolding robes and shirts and slippers before placing them in his pocket dimension - neatly organized as can be. His hand was chilled in the extraplanar space - he pulled the mantle back out and smoothed it once more. Reached in, felt the handle of the parasol. _ Of course they will be. _

(He wasn’t quite sure which  _ they _ he meant - either possibility filled him with dread.)

So, no. It was not surprising to  _ feel _ the dunamis curl, beckoning, and hear the fabric of space pop back into place, save for a pile of unruly, weather-appropriate adventurers where there had been none before. 

It was mildly surprising how relieved he was, to hear a quiet ‘Oh,  _ ow- _ ’ in Caduceus’ characteristic drawl, and see Yasha staring up in confusion at the sky, and Beau-

and Beau-

It was surprising -  _ horrifying _ \- to start to smile only to hear Beau scream  _ “Caleb!” _ and see  _ white _ \- 

-and see  _ Caleb _ -

-and see Caleb, wreathed in plasma too white for the snow, crumple to his knees and still on the deck. 

\--

Vurmas was not lauded for its luxurious accommodations. It was a diplomatic-slash-military outpost - bunks and hammocks were the most the staff and crew could hope for, with space for a personal chest and little else including privacy. This had been a mild displeasure when Brighttusk ceded her quarters to him for his stay. She had two feet on him even when floating, with her rank lending itself to a nice room with room for a carpet, desk and sliver of window. More than anything, a blessed set of four walls to keep him from any prying eyes. 

Almost decadent for an outpost, nevertheless a sour downgrade to Essek. Now, with two clerics, a fae cat and himself crowded in the scarcely rocking room, it was the only thing he could focus on. It was too  _ small _ and too  _ tight _ and too  _ much _ . Especially with Caleb on the bed, looking at once too small (in the bed made for an orc), and too present (in the bed Essek  _ had been using for the last half month _ ).

Essek had to swallow the urge to usher out the rest of the Nein, to give him a little space to breath and think (but also to deliberately _ not _ think about whatever this was). Or maybe just flee to claim this space for himself somewhere - but he was on a floating outpost in the one room usually free of others and it was  _ too full of friends right now _ . 

And he wanted them here, so badly. And one of them should be in here instead of him, closer to Caleb. And maybe they should  _ all _ be in here in this too-tight space, but they’d be too close and would smell the  _ traitor _ and  _ bastard _ and  _ fear _ on him and he’d never make it out alive.

Also, Veth and Fjord were shifting nervously in the doorway. If he peeked past them, he could imagine seeing Beauregard pacing and Yasha watching her. 

He couldn’t really run from this, could he?

So he swallowed his breath, and - 

-and chewed out the Nein.

“So you mean to tell me you teleported. In Eiselcross, to  _ another _ location in Eiselcross, one you had never been to prior. After being explicitly told it could  _ kill you _ -”

“We didn’t know where else to go!” Jester blurted out. The glow emanating from her hands didn’t quite flicker but pulse as they stilled, hovering just over Caleb’s forehead. “Lucien was  _ on to us _ , Essek. And we couldn’t just, like, go back to Balenpost, because who knows what they might  _ know _ , you know? And you were the closest person we could think of, and Veth said-“

“We were out of time,” Caduceus interjected in a measured tone. “For good or for not, you were the best option on the table to get it away from them.”

“It?” 

“The threshold crest!” Jester supplied. “Veth thought that if anyone could hide it from the Tombtakers, or like, deactivate it, or keep it safe - it’d be you!”

He risked a glance at Veth, who was making a great deal out of the buttons on his spare cloak, hanging on the back of the door. She didn’t still, if anything she started fiddling with them more intensely.

“Yep.  _ My _ idea! My great, great, super  _ bright _ idea!” 

(The sarcasm billowed off her words like raspy smoke.)

Caduceus did not look at him at first, or even seem to notice how all but the Clerics became taught (Essek noticed - because it stung him just below the fourth rib, in the heart) . Instead he smoothed his hands over the linen sheets, the healing glow of his hands dying as he did so. Pulled the coverlets up to Caleb’s shoulders, standing in a strangely elegant motion. 

“He’ll be fine,” he said. “What happened is outside my area of expertise to be frank, probably more in your ballpark. Caleb will be able to tell us more when he wakes up. Will probably be out of commission for a few days, but he hasn’t died or anything.”

(Frumpkin, with eyes only for Caleb, curled right on his chest as Caduceus spoke. Shifted Caleb’s chin with his head to nestle into his throat, the fae’s purring an ethereal, ancient lullaby.)

“Do you happen to have a place we could talk? I think a war room would do, if you trust it.”

Not a war room, Essek decided immediately. No closed spaces, not right now. Not on a boat,  _ again _ . 

\--

The outpost was layered with generous wards - to avoid detection, protect from bombardment, mislead any who watched. It did not take much at all for Essek to  _ shift _ and  _ snip _ a pair to form a bubble of sorts around their party. 

*“Any pairs of unwelcome eyes will walk away with different observations, due to slight visual distortment and the natural sound dampening of the other enchantments to quiet the vessel,” he had explained. “It is a technique effective against scrying and more benign clandestine operations - one I assisted in implementing, if I might add.”)

(He did not bring up the wards of darkness. Not quite Rhosana’s exquisite curtain of night, but an evening gentle to the eyes of drow such as himself despite the early hour. They could see it well enough - and he couldn’t take credit for that one.)

Liberally salted wind whipping past them, none but Fjord seemed impressed. Then again, Fjord seemed to continuously glance at the massive three-ship chimera splayed out behind Essek, so. He probably couldn’t claim credit for the look.

(Well.  _ Caleb _ would have found it impressive.)

But Caleb wasn’t here. That was part of what they discussed, over tea that rapidly cooled as wind whisked the warmth from it. Vess DeRogna, Molly-Lucien, Nine(Nein?) eyes. Caleb teleporting them out when things got too _ close _ . It felt very stilted - like a stumbling drunk, pausing as the Nein shared looks to decide which way to go, what steps to take. He almost wanted to sigh and step away, give them a minute or an hour to get their story straight - he couldn’t judge them for being cautious.

(But.)

(Caleb had argued against reaching out to him.)

(“Make no mistake: we do not trust you.” “ _ Good _ ,” he had said, and he meant it, but oh gods it still hurt (and he deserved it).)

“I told you that I would do what is possible to assist you,” he said, after they parcelled out what they were willing. “And I intend to follow through.”

_ I trust your instincts. _

\--

“I must leave you to your devices,” Essek said eventually. They were back in his - Caleb’s room, now, with bowls of some broth the mess hall cook seemed delighted to serve them. This, paired with generous helpings of vegetables courtesy of Caduceus (he hadn’t planned for his guests and it hurt his pride, but - he had enough eyes looking to his command, here and now, and did not want to draw more gossip than usual) made for their early dinner. 

He was very thankful Caduceus, somehow, nestled a few tubers and mushrooms he was familiar with - ones from Xhorhas - onto his plate. It felt great, right now, to be singled out and remembered, just a little. (Not great - _ comforting _ .)

“But Essek-”

“I am really,  _ really _ sorry- I know this is urgent,” he interrupted Jester gently, lowering her spoon with a hand (he did not miss how Fjord startled then settled - was that because of him? Or -). “The Vurmas is under my command per the Queen’s word - I must prepare the outpost for possible hostilities. Propose course of action should they come hunting for the crest - or for you. That will take time, given the echelons of power at work here.”

“You have  _ no idea _ how much managerial work I have had, here. Control of the outpost was more of a - a formality draped in paperwork. An experienced garrison who know what they are doing, formally outranking the illustrious, consecuted Shadowhand - it would not reflect well upon the Den, you see, not at all.” 

(His companions did not know it, but he took on a lit imitating his mother. Just for his personal satisfaction of making a dig at her, with the few people who would not recognize her infamous tone.)

Essek sighed - he did not realize he was smiling until he caught Beau looking at him strangely. (It was nice to just - get it off his chest, in company who wouldn’t see this as weakness to exploit. (They could well take anything else as blood in the water, but - not this.))

“So I must micro manage people who know far more about this than I do, left with nigh a thought to spare for what I’m supposed to do here.” 

“Is that why you had someone else use Sending to reach us?” Beau piped up - well. ‘Piped up’ was the wrong choice of words - slotted into the conversation with force and finesse was more fitting. More force, right now. “Too busy to say hi to your, you know,  _ friends _ ?”

She wielded the word like a weapon, testing his defences. 

(She found a crack. Several.)

_ (I haven’t changed, yet - I’m still the man you left after the peace talks, I’m not better I’m not sorry in the way you want me to be-) _

_ (What if I called, and Jester - you know Jester, sweet Jester - did not reply? Would that thought choke you up, Beau? It leaves me terrified to breath that even she could see what you and Veth and  _ Caleb _ do-) _

_ (It’s a revealing sort of vulnerability I have never grappled with before and I  _ miss _ you all but am terrified I will never be enough to be a friend again, to any of you, for the next thousand lifetimes I may live.) _

“Too  _ watched _ ,” he said instead. “You are heroes of the Dynasty - in occasions where we become involved in your affairs, it is good to appear as though we are going through more… official, formal channels - in case our mutual friends are watching.” 

Beau withdrew, acknowledged the half truth with a nod. In her eyes, that little spark they held when she  _ got _ something and she wasn’t going to let it go, just keep it in her fist. 

He had missed seeing that.

\--

Caleb woke up, a few hours later. 

Essek knew immediately - mid-meeting with Denalor and Brighttusk and Uraya and his research team and a half-dozen names he had dutifully memorized but flew out the other ear when Jester’s voice rang in his head.

Floundering through paper-thin excuses and unceremoniously hauling most military responsibility back onto Denalor’s shoulders took time, no matter how he rushed it. It was logical that he would find Caleb sitting up and debating wildly with Beau and Fjord. All three were perilously close to docking keepsakes off narrow wall shelving in their wild gesticulating. 

Or, that’s what he could tell with Yasha blocking most of the hallway - even stooped with concern she was  _ huge _ . 

“- and  _ ja _ , like I said, that will. not.  _ work _ .” He could see little but Caleb shifting, probably crossing his arms in defiance. 

  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Essek floated up an inch - no better. He almost touched Yasha’s arm, thought better of it and slunk back a few feet before saying softly: “Yasha? May I-”

“Oh!” With a terrifying nimbleness, she spun around, grabbed him by the shoulders and all but deposited him in the room - he was so shocked it took a moment to realize his weight was firmly on the ground. With Beau watching, he didn’t dare levitate again.

“Essek’s here!” Yasha announced. Then, mercifully (or not): “Beau? I wanted to uh - do an activity together? Up on deck, it’s very beautiful-”

"I - oh, uh. Sure?" Beau shot a rapid one-two-three glance between Fjord-Caleb-Essek. Looked like she wanted to protest, until her eyes darted again and hung on Yasha, somewhere over Essek's shoulder. "You're giving me a look and I- I know what you're doing! For the record!"

With a sullen, but softened, look, Beau obliged, following Yasha out and down the hall. Yasha, for her part, turned to give Essek a little wave. He noticed her nudge Beau and whisper something to her, their steps deceptively quiet and fading slowly. 

Fjord was chortling, just a little, seated at the foot of the bed. “You’ve been rescued, friend,” he said.

( And from Fjord it felt like it could be earnest.  _ Could _ \- if Essek chose to see it that way. Fjord was too charismatic to leave his motives out in the open when the rest of the Nein were clearly divided. Better let the listener make of it what they wanted most - Essek knew he’d played the same card almost daily in the Bright Queen’s court.)

_ Thump.  _

Essek turned, startled, to see Caleb’s head against the headboard. He looked - well, not great, but seeing him in any state of consciousness and not in a halo of white lightning was a welcome change. Plaid, alive, skin leeched white and dark behind his closed eyelids,  _ alive _ . 

“Ah, Essek.”

_ Ah. Caleb _ . 

He… he couldn’t make out the tone, so he didn’t try to. Not right now. 

“Ah Ess _ ek _ -”

Not when he realized Veth was right there, tucked in shadow beside Caleb’s head - it took the gleam of her tattoo to reveal her. He was certain it was intentional, after having seen him glance around the room looking for the source of her voice.

(Had he noted, to himself, that she was a  _ halfling,  _ now - no,  _ again _ ? Had been, since the night of the ball? He had expected it to be an illusion then, to placate the crowds, later thought it a ploy to get him to jump and reveal himself. And he saw her again, and  _ again _ , and dared hope-)

(And perhaps his pride was wounded, when he realized neither of them thought to let him  _ know _ ?  _ Don’t trust me, don’t trust me - but the fact I can’t know our spell, our work, made you whole again? That you can go home to your family when you please, that some of my harm is undone? That’s too much to whisper before we part ways? _ ( _ Not even a thank you _ , intones a cool voice.  _ Not even a thought to your work and will _ -))

“Essek,” Veth repeated, like she was speaking to a child, “I’m sure you’ll be happy to know Caleb will be staying here. Safe, I hope.”

She did not look happy. 

She did not seem like she believed in the word ‘safe’ in this context. In Essek’s presence.

(He wanted to ask why she was so eager to trust the threshold crest to him, then, but. He figured they could agree that it was one thing to put a priceless, one of a kind artefact of divinity-rivaling possibility in his hands… Caleb? Caleb was far more precious.)

(Neither would say it, and it was better that way.)

He looked away. 

By celestial clemency, Caleb wasn’t looking at either of them, instead glaring out the thin panes of glass allowed to these quarters. “Safe, probably not,” he amended. “But we do not have any options to speak of, for now.”

\--

Caleb could not cast any spells, not even cantrips, His teleport - the energy of a 7th level spell and the distortion of matter and space and time - it drew in ancient magics like moths to a flame. One by one sipping from his fire, immolated but dimming it just enough. Something about the comingling of arcane forces struck back at him, a toll for crossing such ancient ley lines paid to a ferryman in blood. 

Essek was the one to propose it likely would not be permanent - it fit with the exchanges at play, after all, that the burnt out mental  _ space _ for casting would knit itself back together in time, like a torn muscle. 

It was fascinating, they could agree on that much. They could also agree Caleb could not return to the island - in his state he was excruciatingly vulnerable. 

It did not go without notice that being forced out of the action pleased Caleb little. He was… not sullen, no, but fuming, angry embers kept docile only by his exhaustion. As the rest of the Nein cycled in and out with their suggestions and thoughts, Essek saw his hands still on Frumpkin’s spine when Beau or Caduceus or Yasha would make note of the  _ circumstances _ . 

(It was hard to focus on much else, in the cramped quarters - that and the minutiae of strategy and risk versus reward. He was good at this - very, very good - and the satisfaction of building the best route forward with his words was almost enough to distract from - from everyone being here and him, too-)

As the conversation derailed to half the Nein yelling arguments for and against from the hall (and, to be honest, Essek and those in the room were shooting ideas right back), Caleb finally snapped:

“Less about me, more on Lucien, the Nonagon, the city!” he snarled. “I will be well soon enough. Focus on what is at stake.”

Unfortunately for Caleb, _ he _ was at stake, if he remained with the Nein in this time. The crest, after what it had cost to bring it to allies (not a friend, Essek noted, an  _ ally _ , and only one of many -) would be better off by his side, as well.

The wards shielding Vurmas were fit to repel scrying even from Assembly mages, the honor and protection afforded to a hero of the Dynasty being nothing to scoff at either. 

Essek could not protect them, or help them, either - he was in charge here, with threats on the horizon. If the Bright Queen found he had abandoned his post after he had specifically requested it… He was not certain he would need to fear discovery - he’d already be dead. (It was not as though he could leave, save the world, return unnoticed - given what Caleb had generously demonstrated regarding Teleport.)

(Essek amended his previous statement -  _ no one _ looked particularly happy about the idea, when he saw them next. Fjord was just fairly good at hiding it and Beau scowled harder to try.)

_ For that matter.  _

‘When he saw them next’ was late that night. The stars were a comforting ripple of distant silver, peeking through the veil, when he’d glided over the deck, making a lofty show of not being worried about this mess. Not at all, not one bit. 

He could muster none of that detached dignity now, finding his small (big for a garrison, but  _ tiny _ -) quarters full of Mighty Nein.

“We usually sleep in Caleb’s hut, you know,” Jester supplied. “Or his Nein-sided tower!” She made a show of reaching far above her head, from where she was squished next to the wall. Apparently, the bed went to the smallest - Caleb, Jester and Veth. 

(A plaintive voice in Essek’s head whined that he was smaller than Caleb  _ or _ Jester, when he stopped floating. He really,  _ really _ wanted a mattress, even a mediocre one such as this, after this whirlwind of a day.)

(He also really, really did not wish to find himself in the same situation as earlier.)

“So, with most of our sleeping arrangements involving Caleb-” Fjord broke off with a yawn. “- means when he cannot produce them, our camp is wherever he is.”

“In my room,” Essek supplied. 

“Yes.”

Essek pinched the bridge of his nose and focused on taking a slow breath.

“I’m - going to prepare for bed,” he said at last, spinning on himself and leaving the room. He closed the door as quickly as he could without inspiring it to creak. 

(That was a lie, he was perfectly ready for bed until the door left ajar reminded him ah yes, today  _ happened _ .)

(He could not well send them away - regardless of manners, he knew well there were not private rooms of size or number to house them. Transporting Caleb - who was, again, once more, for emphasis, _ in his bed  _ \- would likely make it an ordeal.)

(They weren’t telling  _ him _ to go away. They almost seemed - inviting, maybe, the tension in their shoulders and around their eyes easing as they murmured and laughed in dozy, sleepy fashion.)

(Also, on that thought, he was  _ Shadowhand Essek Thelyss _ and he would not be bullied out of his own room by the mere (insurmountable) thought of being rejected by the few people he cared about. The inkling that things might have changed for the worst and for the better at once would not deter him from a good night’s rest (it was  _ terrifying _ ). He was a prodigy, a traitor, a man who could keep his head high before masses who would gladly see his head roll if they found out what he was (but this was  _ vulnerability _ and - he didn’t -))

(How much would it take to earn their forgiveness?)

(But also -)

(Could they forgive him that easily?)

\--

It was ten minutes of what could be summarized as thorough self-evaluation and internal debate, concluding with ‘ _ I will avoid the issue at present and consider it at the nearest opportunity - that is, never _ ’. 

After those ten minutes Essek finally,  _ finally _ , floated back to the threshold, now in his nightclothes. Made a point to step into the room. 

Fjord and Caduceus were on watch. He was not sure if it was a slight or soothing. 

Caduceus, it would turn out, looked the closest to giddy Essek had ever seen him. “Ah, there you are,” he said, voice so soft he needn’t whisper. “Sorry we don’t have much room here - you could probably find a spot over there just be careful stepping over those two.”

Yasha and Beau were starfished over the carpet - it looked as though a blanket had been gently tucked around the latter only to be wrestled off in her sleep.

Picking his way around them (levitating would be  _ so much easier _ , but it would look odd in pajama pants and both men were  _ watching him _ ), Essek settled against the desk, near where Caduceus sat up as he tended to a gleaming beetle.

(“If they’d just snuggle it would take up far less space,” Fjord remarked.

“Oh yes, definitely,” Essek agreed in a mumble before settling into his trance.)

\--

( It was the first time in his life that Essek had tranced in a room of people who did not trance but slept, and the first time since childhood he had tranced with others nearby period. )

(He would just like to note, for himself, for his own sake, that the sounds of sleep were - nice, in a way he could not put his finger on.)

(Frumpkin did make laps around the room and tried eating his hair at a frankly unholy hour, though. )

\--

Before long, the Nein (six) were gone. 

They took to their morning routine with a forced efficiency - to forget they were leaving without one of their own, Essek imagined. 

It had been agreed that stealth and spell slots were key for their departure - thus, a few locals and their orcas were made available.

(Caleb had stayed in bed. Essek was not present for those farewells.)

“Message me if you are in need,” he said, not minding the wildfolk securing the harnesses of their mounts. 

“Don’t if - you know. You are watched, or must conserve your power, or-”

Jester hugged him, the spontaneity of her embrace making his feet nearly touch the deck. 

“We know, we know - we’ll be fine, Essek!” she brushed off his concerns with a laugh. Noticing the impact on his levitation, her grin widened and with surprising strength she pulled him down until he stood on the deck. 

It was mighty tempting to bob right back up, but -

She seemed satisfied, tail  _ thwip _ -ing the air.“Call us if there’s any  _ important business _ -” An extremely unsubtle wink. “Or. If you’re lonely, and miss us, and just want to talk, you know.”

“Thank you, Jester.”

(Of all of them. All of the Nein. He really -  _ truly _ \- willed himself to forget that she’d played him for a fool, too.)

(Not a dozen times that she could have - and the half-dozen she  _ did _ , clear as day, to make her friends laugh and get him to relax.)

(But at the party - approaching his guise with her own, of innocence and concern. He,  _ Shadowhand _ , had not noticed her tells. Maybe he was just nervous, then paralyzed and panicking and - then they were being honest, and it did not matter anymore. And she was right back to before, her smiles and concerns and words just as she’d have used them before she knew. Did she forgive him? Or did she just not care, or never care?)

Jester stepped back, when he knew she would usually bounce through the space. Peered at him - she had dragged his arms out as she pulled away, and now squeezed his hands. “Of course! What are friends for?”

(Could he believe it?)

(He had to - it was the only thing he could hold onto now.)

Essek squinted his eyes shut (against tiny, tiny, tiny tears) as he smiled. 

“ _ Thank you _ ,” he repeated, needlessly.

Jester let go of his wrists, twirling back to the Nein. Essek looked to the rest of them, trying to pass off his blinking as born of the bright (evening, drow-appropriate) lighting of the scene.

They were all watching him, too.

Caduceus (he had not worried about _ Caduceus _ -) hummed and straightened himself.

“I hope,” he said at length, “that you’re unhappy with who you have been. I mean that in the kindest way possible,” he added as Essek stiffened, flew off the ground, grit his teeth for the blow. “It’s difficult, realizing you hurt people, and have to consider how badly you did so. Realizing you have to care - I believe you’ve been carrying this realization for a while, haven’t you?”

Essek desperately, desperately wanted to escape, to not respond - but - 

“Yes. And I’m not -”  _ enough _ “- I’m not good at this. My intentions were never good and they aren’t now, and I am not  _ sorry _ \- but I am sorry I am not a man to put hope in. I’m-”  _ scared. _

He struggled to find the words. “I don’t know how -”

Caduceus hummed. “You’ll get there.”

“Just don’t pussy out,” Beau cut in. “Being nice is hard, Essek. Being a good person is  _ harder _ .”

Essek was expecting an attack from her, after her initial volley. Instead - 

Beauregard seemed to judge something in him, because she offered a thin smile. “But I don’t think you’re the worst person. If not being good enough makes you sweat. So - get good.”

“I’ll try,” he breathed.

“ _ That’s not a fucking answer- _ ”

“We have to  _ go _ , Veth!”

The backs of the great whales were laden with the remainder of the Mighty Nein, Veth making her displeasure known. 

One whale shot off, then another. And just before the third:

_ “Take care of Cayyyyyyleb!” _

Essek was surprised to hear himself laugh.

**Author's Note:**

> me: 'Oh hey I feel like writing some Shadowghast so these two can deal with the angst they've been building up the last 30 episodes-'  
> the Nein: 'no, we're gonna bully Essek <3'
> 
> (Not really, but that's what it felt like writing this. Really, Beau?)
> 
> This got away from me but in a good way I think? After mulling it over, I feel it's better to cut it off here and leave the Shadowghast (and more self-reflection, and Caleb angst, because BOY Caleb you've been slipping into a bad state lately) to a second chapter.
> 
> Hoping it will be out without too much delay - but my classes really pick up next week, so it remains to be seen.


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